Honest opinions please...

techno-snoreus · Post by **techno-snoreus** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 7:48 am

I've always loved writing and I finally decided to do something with it. Please read the following article I wrote and give me your HONEST opinion please. I am looking for constructive criticism here so that I can improve my skills.

http://houston.broowaha.com/article.php?id=2177

Thank you

Techno-Snoreus

Kattitude · Post by **Kattitude** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 7:59 am

Looks good to me. I tried to be nit-picky but could'nt find anything to critique.

Kattitude

techno-snoreus · Post by **techno-snoreus** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 8:11 am

Thanks for your input Kattitude. Now come on people, I need validation!! Tell me how awesome my writing is (or not).

Shari · Post by **Shari** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 8:16 am

The only thing I might suggest - a more detailed explanation of how CPAP works.

xPAP machines help apnea suffers by forcing air through a tube and mask worn by the sufferer to help alleviate blockages of the airway and stimulate normal breathing.

How and where is the mask worn? Face, mouth, nose?
How does forcing air through a tube and mask help alleviate blockages?

And to add impact and encourage possible suffers to seek help, elaborate on the effects of not receiving treatment. I knew for years I suffered from apnea. I figured as long as I was doing OK during the day I didn't need treatment. It wasn't until after I had started therapy that I found out how devastating it can be to ones health.

techno-snoreus · Post by **techno-snoreus** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 8:23 am

Shari wrote:The only thing I might suggest - a more detailed explanation of how CPAP works.
xPAP machines help apnea suffers by forcing air through a tube and mask worn by the sufferer to help alleviate blockages of the airway and stimulate normal breathing.
How and where is the mask worn? Face, mouth, nose?
How does forcing air through a tube and mask help alleviate blockages?

And to add impact and encourage possible suffers to seek help, elaborate on the effects of not receiving treatment. I knew for years I suffered from apnea. I figured as long as I was doing OK during the day I didn't need treatment. It wasn't until after I had started therapy that I found out how devastating it can be to ones health.

rested gal · Post by **rested gal** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 8:29 am

Very well written and informative, ts.

The more places people run across articles about "sleep apnea", the better!

Good job!

drummergirl410 · Post by **drummergirl410** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 8:30 am

Not bad for a first-timer!

Slinky · Post by **Slinky** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 8:32 am

You introduce the problem as Sleep Apnea. Then further into the article you refer to OSA, obstructive sleep apnea.

A more complete explanation of the side effects of untreated long term OSA would be beneficial. More attention getting and more scarey.

Before explaining the "gold standard" of treatment, or w/in the explanation of this treatment, there should be some explanation of what OSA consists of, the closing of the throat, so that the treatment makes some sense.

It also wouldn't hurt at all to mention that many arousals and disruptions of sleep due to OSA don't wake us enough for us to be conscious of having been awakened. And perhaps even how many times a night these arousals can occur.

I like the title!! And it is very well written overall. Easy reading, nothing too technical. You really have done a good job. Bravo!

techno-snoreus · Post by **techno-snoreus** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 8:42 am

rested gal wrote:Very well written and informative, ts.

The more places people run across articles about "sleep apnea", the better!

Good job!

Thanks RG. My main goal is to just get the message out there.

drummergirl410 wrote:Not bad for a first-timer!

Thanks!

Slinky wrote:You introduce the problem as Sleep Apnea. Then further into the article you refer to OSA, obstructive sleep apnea.

A more complete explanation of the side effects of untreated long term OSA would be beneficial. More attention getting and more scarey.

Before explaining the "gold standard" of treatment, or w/in the explanation of this treatment, there should be some explanation of what OSA consists of, the closing of the throat, so that the treatment makes some sense.

It also wouldn't hurt at all to mention that many arousals and disruptions of sleep due to OSA don't wake us enough for us to be conscious of having been awakened. And perhaps even how many times a night these arousals can occur.

I like the title!! And it is very well written overall. Easy reading, nothing too technical. You really have done a good job. Bravo!

Thanks Slinky. You're right, I did introduce the problem as Sleep Apnea and then referred to is as OSA. I had actually written a paragraph explaining the different types (Central vs Obstructive), but took it out because I thought it was getting too technical. I obviously forgot to edit out the acronym for OSA. I was trying to keep it as non-technical as possible so that I wouldn't turn anybody off from reading it. As I stated before, I'm just trying to get the message out!

ZZZCPAPZZZ · Post by **ZZZCPAPZZZ** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 8:59 am

I agree withe rested gal. It is very well written. The general public needs to be more informed about Sleep Apnea so that the many undiagnosed can seek help. I believe the article accomplishes this well.

lilsheba · Post by **lilsheba** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 9:11 am

techno-snoreus wrote:Thanks for your input Kattitude. Now come on people, I need validation!! Tell me how awesome my writing is (or not).

I thought it was very well written, informative and accurate. Great job, and it's good that someone is getting the word out there.

dieselgal · Post by **dieselgal** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 9:20 am

Is this the result of a nightmare, or something much more sinister?

Don't think you need a comma after nightmare

Sleep Apnea is a condition in which a person ceases to breathe during the night.

I would say ceases to breathe for long periods of time.

And these are but a few of the symptoms that these poor people contend with. So what is this evil affliction that torments them so? The name of the malady is Sleep Apnea.

Are you supposed to start a sentence with the word AND and end the next sentence with the word so? (Like I just did)
Also, instead of poor people, you might say unfortunate people or something to that affect.

Ok, those were my nit picks. Hope that helps.
In general pretty good work.

techno-snoreus · Post by **techno-snoreus** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 10:43 am

Thanks to everyone for their comments so far. This only helps to reinforce my love of writing and makes me better at it.

P.S. I'm keeping track of the people that said anything negative. (just kidding)

TIGMONSTER68 · Post by **TIGMONSTER68** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 10:53 am

I thought it was pretty good. I'm more of a grammar fanatic and I noticed that you are only single spacing after periods or ends of sentences. You should be double-spacing. Also, to start a sentence with And.... that's a huge boo boo. Other than those simple little things I think the others have covered the rest....
Great Job and yes you should continue writing!
Jodie

TIGMONSTER68 · Post by **TIGMONSTER68** » Tue Aug 14, 2007 10:55 am

p.s. if you are double spacing I apologize, it looks single spaced but I do not know for sure so don't shoot me!
Jodie

Mask

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