Husband says CPAP is scary and unattractive...

[Chris C]

Despite what this post will sound like, I do have a wonderful, kind husband. I love him, and most days I feel his love for me. We are celebrating 30 years of marriage in a few months, sharing 4 young-adult children.

Yet I have slowly migrated to the Room at the End of the Hall, a nightly Walk of Shame, stemming from my humiliating snore soars, a shame cultivated by the irrefutable documentation provided from my sleep app (which confirmed the purpose of slight pushes in the night, or night-wakening name calls whose aims were to get me to stop snoring). This is a shame that has permeated the marrow of my bones and consciousness.

But Lo! I saw a sign while at stoplight 6 months ago for CPAP Express in our area. And a sleep study diagnosed, of course, sleep apnea. I was privileged to be able to afford Cpap therapy. I truly was thrilled. I was happy to have solved my self- imposed banishment to the Room at the End of the Hall, to joyfully allow myself back into the martial bed of my handsome husband.

And I adapted very well to the therapy, felt well-rested, slept without waking in the night.

But my husband says I am welcome in the bed, but not my cpap machine, please, because, well,

He said those words that took my breath away: that with Cpap, "it's" unattractive; "it's *Scary*. Which is a small logical step to: into I'm unattractive, I'm scary.

I've tried for 6 months to talk with him directly about this. Uncharacteristically, nothing moves him. He doesn't like it. He doesn't want to talk about it. Today he equated talking about it to.... talking about defecating. Yes. Pooping.

This came to a head this holiday season as our children came home and The Room at the End of Hall is naturally occupied by one of our sons. Shame kept me from changing decades-long sleeping arrangements. I quietly set up my cpap machine in our room. I crept into our bed 3 nights in a row. I put the mask on after his usual sleep toddle-off at 10:08 PM; I slept with the sheet over my head; I took it off before he woke. But, no. He can't explain why he finds 'it' so ... not wanted.

Since those 3 nights, I have slept these past 3 nights dodging from couch to couch, grabbing sleep where I can, with young people who are wakeful until 3 am. I pretend that Yes, at 60 years old, I just happen to be awake, puttering around during the wee hours as they are.

I just canceled my presence, starting tomorrow, at my husband's family's 20- person reunion at a rental home for 3 nights. I don't want to wake the whole rental house with my snoring; I no longer can tolerate lying next to him if I'm seen as further Unattractive, and Scary; I can't sneak around that rental house, looking for a place to sleep, like some sort of Sleep Thief or Monster or Beggar.

I've told him, more than once over these months, tears streaming down my face, do you think as I age that I'm getting more attractive? Do you think that these extra pounds from my youth mean attractiveness? When I need to be hospitalized or have surgery or Gasp! need oxygen (!), do you think I'm going to want you anywhere near me? Because, guess what? All of that is called Unattractive and Scary. I told him today, if I'm ever hospitalized, he is uninvited, forbidden even; from coming to see me.

Why am I even posting this here? I don't know, except maybe to find someone who understands, who's been there. I found this forum as I Googled 'Why does my husband hate my cpap therapy".

Thank you for hearing me tonight.

[lazarus]

He's not the first husband to say something deeply stupid. And please be assured that his attempting to make you feel guilty or ugly for making sure you can breathe and sleep at night IS deeply stupid. To use his comparison, his position is the equivalent of his refusing to be married to a woman with a human body that must eliminate waste. After all, CPAP happens in the dark while you're both asleep, for heaven's sake.

He'll get over it. Reality has a way of asserting itself. We men just take a little more time to face it sometimes. Once his fantasy world crumbles in on itself, he will come to appreciate who and what he has. He's probably just a little worried, scared, and confused and doesn't have the communication tools to express his valid concerns. Nevertheless, he may be adult enough to apologize one day for his ignorance, once he knows better and has worked through it. Hey, stranger things have happened. Love hopes.

Please be patient with us men. We can learn when you are loving but firm with us, much like you have to be with a not-so-bright puppy. But, either way, please continue to stand your ground on the side of reality, beauty, and wisdom so that he has the full chance to become educated and adjusted. Hopefully one day soon he'll be able to express how he appreciates you for the fine example you have set as the non-snoring, fully breathing, effective sleeping, clear thinking, PAP-using gem of a wife that you are.

If you need one of us to sit him down and give him a stern talking to in the meantime, feel free to send him here. Because, well, shame on him.

Taking care of one's health is always the sexy and attractive choice. Full stop.

-Jeff (a husband who has said some stupid things to his own wife over the decades, probably many more times than he knows/remembers)

[kteague]

For the most part you'll likely find few here willing to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. I hate that you are dealing with being treated so rudely by someone you speak of glowingly in all other respects. Whatever his hangups are (and it sounds like there are some), I would hope he would talk to someone and try to get some help adjusting to what is a life-saving treatment for you. My god, what would he do if you were actually going through a health crisis and your well being depended on him being involved in your care? Choosing to sleep in another room is not an unusual setup. Couples sleep separately for all kinds of reasons. But because he finds your treatment unattractive - that doesn't feel good at all.

Since you posted I am thinking you do want honesty. I doubt it's the first time you've heard this, but it seems your thoughts can lead you to internalize things in ways maybe even stronger than the offense intended. Many of us were insecure about the machine in the early years, but at some point I (mostly) got past it. If your husband gave you an ultimatum to not get into bed with a treatment you need, that's a really big deal that in my opinion would have him in the room down the hall. I feel sad for you that you are missing out on family times over your cpap use. I hope over time your skin will toughen. Being around here in my early years of use kinda radicalized me. Well, maybe it would sound nicer if I said I learned to advocate for myself. lol It's an adjustment, you'll work through things. Try not to sacrifice your sense of well being trying to make everyone else comfortable. One day you'll realize most others don't care about it nearly as much as you do. Good luck with things.

Since I started typing I see Jeff posted. What he said!!!!!

[lazarus]

And likewise what Kathy (kteague) said!

[Conrad]

I just read the OP's post out loud to my wife.

Oh boy is she worked up, me too!!!

Your husband sounds like a narcissist, a selfish, emotionally abusive narcissist and you should not have to put up with his BS.

"Despite what this post will sound like, I do have a wonderful, kind husband. I love him, and most days I feel his love for me. We are celebrating 30 years of marriage in a few months, sharing 4 young-adult children."

It's amazing that you still defend his behavior, even now. This can't be the first time that you've had to deal with this type of behavior from him.

You may want to seek out some consoling, soon.

"In sickness and in health"

[Dog Slobber]

Despite what this post will sound like, I do have a wonderful, kind husband.

No, you don't, He's an absolute selfish ass.

You're approaching 30 years of marriage. This also means, in the next 10 to 20 years you're approaching life stages that might require more health care needs. Believe me, there's the potential that you (or him), might require care needs that are a lot less "unattractive" than a CPAP machine.

You shouldn't have to be changing bedrooms, doing walk of shames and sacrificing family time.

[sleepinow]

Your husband is pretty delusional about the effectiveness of your machine. Sounds like instead of learning about your device and your sleep needs he just rejects you and your needed machine. That to me sounds like someone who can't make small mental adjustments in their life and that is what is truly "scary"

[loggerhead12]

You're husband needs to get with the program. CPAP is one of the least obtrusive medical treatments. 60 is nothing. If he's grossed out by a machine and a mask, what's he going to do when you're in your 70's, 80's, and 90's? There are way worse treatments to way worse conditions that either of you might have as you age.

You're pretty smart for a guitar player.

[lazarus]

smart for a guitar player.

I am no Sir Brian May (and no aeronautic-SCUBA-motorcyclist expert ), but thanks.

[Miss Emerita]

Ideally your husband would go with you to see a therapist. He needs to figure out why he is reacting so horribly, and while I completely get your current feelings, you also mention that earlier your snoring made you feel shame -- so maybe you, too, have some emotions to explore beyond your current anger and hurt.

Meanwhile, I wonder whether you can do more to claim that room down the hall as your bedroom. Make it a room you like to be in, get a new bed if the bed in there isn't comfortable, move all your stuff from the official bedroom into your new room, enjoy your privacy and good sleep. Decide that your bedroom isn't available to other people when they visit, any more than your husband's is. (You can figure out alternatives either under your roof or at a hotel or AirBnB.)

Many couples have separate bedrooms, for all kinds of reasons. Estimates put the numbers at 20 - 25% of all couples. There's nothing weird about it.

I really feel for you. I hope so much that 2024 will see some major improvements for you.

[LindaGinCanada]

Sorry you are going through this. So he wants to you sleep with him without the machine .. is he willing to deal with the snoring? and perhaps your heath? I would be making that other bedroom into a room for you, claim the space not as a place to sleep but as yours. Make it warm and inviting for you.

[Tricky Wash]

I just canceled my presence, starting tomorrow, at my husband's family's 20- person reunion at a rental home for 3 nights.

You should cancel his damn presence at the reunion. Let him explain to his family why he will not be present. If there are 20 people there, the odds are high that one of them will be a CPAP user.

I do have a wonderful, kind husband.

You are lying to yourself.

My wife is a lot older than you. When I look at her lying in her bathtub, I still see that slim, fit, sexy girl I married 47 years ago.

My sympathies to you.

[lazarus]

. . . says CPAP is scary and unattractive...

I don't know about other countries, but in the U.S. there seems to me to be a constant barrage of television commercials that are telling people directly that CPAP is scary, unattractive, cumbersome, ineffective, embarrassing, etc.

I wish there were something that could be done to stop those seriously life-threatening and deeply divisive messages from airing. Too many people believe them.

But I guess stopping obvious lies would mean an immediate end to the U.S. advertising industry and to politics as a whole.

At least we still have online influencers as the last remaining bastions of truth and sincerity.

'Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns. There ought to be clowns.'

'. . . Well, maybe next year.'

[Chris C]

Thank you very much to all who took the time to reply so thoughtfully. I really appreciate your honesty and support.

Yes, other therapy than cpap is needed (counseling), for both of us. I definitely bring to the table my own embedded core beliefs of unworthiness that filter and color much -- beyond the intention of the offense, as one of those who replied, correctly identified.

Although we've been in counseling in the past, I've found more relief for the money spent on outrageously expensive therapists in opting for Beach Therapy and Travel Therapy. As time has marched on post those clinical therapy sessions, I have, until now, prioritized putting 'therapy' dollars in my husband's and my feet buried in the sand, in basking in Anna Maria Island sunsets, and in travel overseas.

About the room conundrum as it relates to therapy, for some reason it is important to me that I be the one leaving him in 'our' bedroom for the Room at the End of the Hall, not the other way around (probably has to do with hurtful patterns I witnessed between my parents).

I can definitely see making that other room 'mine' officially. That room is cozy. It's twin bed is confortable. It looks onto the lush backyard with a brook and bamboo woods. It is an oasis of calm, where the fan can blare overhead as I like it without freezing out my husband. It is where he visits me for those fun times. That room overflows with my beloved books. Electronics are banned from that room (not the lighting up of his Fit-Bit when my slung arm reaches for him); not the 2 cellphones of his nor the 1 Ipad on his beside table, nor the 2 work monitors feet from there, whose camera I never really trust is Off.) That room is a Blessing!

And Yet. I also rail emotionally against that non- marital bed option: the Other Room is where my mother ended up while my dad led multiple secret lives with different women (even though this is *truly not * a fear at all that I have with my husband). I have struggled for years (and in therapy) to separate myself from my mother's lifelong mental illness and its legacy effect on my father, siblings and me.

In an attempt to avoid the generation- replication of the Other Room, though, I can first give an honest and valiant attempt to tampen down those Highly-Sensitive Person-generated internal, destructive taunts ('he doesn't love you; he doesn't want you) that tell me things that he hasn't said overall, or that his overall behavior through the decades hasn't shown, but then that I internalize and believe.

It is almost comical, and definitely unbelievable, that he would prefer my 48 incidents of room-rattling snoring to ... silence and the almost imperceptible soft breathing/whirring from my side of the bed.

We met in the US Peace Corps in West Africa 32 years ago and bonded initially over a love of travel and experiencing the world. Then his kindness in a multitude of ways won me over (this is why this cpap block of his is so unusual and perplexing).

After me homeschooling 4 kids k-12 and us together finally financially getting them through college (all of them on full- tuition scholarships, 3 of them beyond full tuition), I'm working as a nanny part-time, together with my boutique (meaning, very small) college-admissions coaching business, to pay for our travel together.

A few months ago I organized a three-week romp through 5 countries of the Adriatic region, including Bosnia/ Hertzgovina, As I was packing my carry-on-only bag, I said, 'This is your last chance. As a reminder, this is called a travel CPAP. Yes or no?'

(If I wasn't going to use it, I didn't want to take up precious space in my ,one bag, especially taking it with me separately when we had to leave our bags in the rental car: in the off- chance the car was broken into, I didn't want my expensive travel CPAP machine disappearing-- what a great device for international travel!).

And the answer was 'No'. So I snored through the Adriatic trip (and we did have a fantastic time together, sharing, among other places, a cozy Airbnb motor boat in the waters of Montenegro -- talk about togetherness!)

But I suspect overall that he's seeing the implications of not being the young man blithely sleeping anymore through the night: awakening each night for that male run to the bathroom; something else keeping him wakeful in the nights (work/retirement concerns? his hormones/aging? my snoring?), coupled with an inability to fall asleep easily like a young lad.

I wonder if cpap therapy reminds him of his own mortality -- that those daily runs and regular weekly weight-lifting days for the past 30 years (minus the drinking effects) will only take him so far. And that the runway is shortening for both of us.

(In retrospect, it's a good thing that a year ago the doctors mysteriously shut down my non-directed (formerly called 'altruistic') kidney donation three days before the surgery, for non- medical reasons, after I had passed all the medical testing during 6 months. I don't think my husband was ready to be my care-giver, although surprisingly he asked neither me nor the doctors hardly any questions about it.)

The more I think about it, cpap therapy has this important subjective/emotional component, at least for me. I appreciate being able to share here, beyond the mechanics of the machine itself and its important medical effects on sleep outcomes.

I feel fortified from your supportive responses-- thank you, again. I am renewed in my self-care journey. This forum which allows me to journal through my feelings is helping me to process and move forward productively. I will continue to re-read your responses, several of which spring tears to my eyes, others of which cause me to laugh, others of which have elicited the satisfying 'Damn right!!'

Chris

[lazarus]

Thank you for posting here, Chris.

And if worse comes to worst, I hear that Chicago Granny knows a guy who knows a guy.

Just sayin'.

Keep on hosing; keep on papping.