Dating after divorce & CPAP

[Night Warrior]

Warriors of the night,

I'm ~9 months intoo CPAP (Resmed AirSense 10 + FFM) and have been compliant until recently. Going through divorce, starting to think about dating, lots of bronchitis and allergies over the winter, and I'm thinking about all of this CPAP stuff. I'm getting better sleep but the change is very marginal. My APAP pressure has increased from 11-12 cmH2O when I started to 14.9 these days, who knows why.

Has anyone successfully started dating and/or a new relationship with CPAP? When do you tell the new partner about this? Did everything work out in the relationship? I'm feeling like hiding this for awhile and realize that it's not in my best interest, especially because I want to find somebody who loves me for who I already am.

Also, I'm looking for the sticky note on "Dealing with Change" from Pugsy because I need a swift kick in the seat of my pants to keep on track.

Night Warrior

[palerider]

When do you tell the new partner about this? Did everything work out in the relationship? I'm feeling like hiding this for awhile and realize that it's not in my best interest, especially because I want to find somebody who loves me for who I already am.

It's not like you're going to spring "Oh, btw, I'm a serial killer" on them.

If they can't "deal" with a cpap, they're obviously the wrong person for you.

Mention it like you would any other aspect of your life.

"You like baseball? Sorry, I can't handle that..." *exits*

[Pugsy]

How about when talking about health issues...like when the discussion about sexually transmitted diseases happens...and I assume most grown ups worry about STD's these days...or should before the bedroom activities ever enter the picture.

Like "I don't have any STD's but I do have sleep apnea"...

Speaking from the female side...most women worth anything will appreciate plain old honesty.
Heck..she might have sleep apnea herself or know someone who does like her dad or brother.
It may be a bigger deal for you than for her. When in doubt you can't ever go wrong with plain old honesty.

[AMK]

When I was younger and clueless I would have been surprised by a cpap but would have adapted because I would never, ever want anyone to not use something so utterly important to their health out of worry that I might not like it. In fact, I would be upset if I found out about the cpap later on and realized that it hadn't been used because of me.

[USMCVet]

My suggestion is bring it up very early on when getting to know someone. The longer you wait the more difficult it might feel for you. But early on when your not so invested it would probably be much easier for you.

[Cardsfan]

"you don't have to worry about me snoring and waking you up...I have this fabulous machine that fixes that..."

[USMCVet]

"you don't have to worry about me snoring and waking you up...I have this fabulous machine that fixes that..."

That's awesome way to put it lol.

[jnk...]

. . . It's not like you're going to spring "Oh, btw, I'm a serial killer" on them. . . .

I believe I remember reading somewhere that it's best to wait until around the third date to mention that.

[ChicagoGranny]

lots of bronchitis and allergies over the winter

Are you under the care of an ENT/Allergist?

[mesenteria]

Warriors of the night,

... I want to find somebody who loves me for who I already am.

...

Night Warrior

If you take pains to present yourself honestly, the person you end up with will have exactly that; a love for you as you really are. Conversely, if you hide any unsavoury or embarrassing aspects of your person, will they love you for what you really are...or who? Life would become agonizing for me if I kept losing people from whom I had kept potentially useful or show-stopping information. I'd rather they were fully informed and happy about me 'for who I already am.'

[nicholasjh1]

I did it right away... second date I think, and it's going splendidly.

Also, Yes CPAP can help get better sleep, but remember the apnea is killing your brain too.... It's not just about the sleep... Most people get better with compliance if the get the sleep stuff out of their head (other then just trying to improve mask conditions, etc) and worry about the fact that they've been holding their breath and slowly dieing every night... IE get your head on straight!

[Lou Cypher]

I worried about that also..

I waited until it looked like we were getting to the bedroom overnight stage...... i brought it up on the conversation casually..... she asked questions and I answered honestly....

As it turned out she had 3 friends who also had a cpap so that helped .

We are still together and doing nicely.....At some point in time health issues arise and perhaps you can weave it in at those moments.....

i was afraid it would be deal breaker and wanted us to have good feelings about each other before bringing it up in case it would have bothered her at first.

More and more people have sleep apnea so it is not a deal breaker as say 15 years ago......

Good luck and let us know how it worked out for you,,, that may help someone else who is new to cpap

[Night Warrior]

Palerider - I know, wearing CPAP isn't quite as shocking and dramatic or even entertaining. At least CPAP doesn't wreck your waking hours whereas serial killing will wreck your days and nights!

Pugsy - OK, plain ole honesty it is. But you'll have to let me know the dating services to help find someone with sleep apnea too.

AMK - You're conscientious. But I get your point about being upset if you find out about CPAP later on. Almost makes you wonder what else didn't come out in the early days.

USMCVet - Yeah, I'll say something as reasonably early as possible. Like Pugsy says, lump it into a talk about STDs and then CPAP won't sound nearly as bad!

Cardsfan - You rock, that's perfect!

Chicago Granny - Well, here goes, it's an "and" for me, not an "or." Same allergist for >20 years, and also under the care of an ENT in recent years. You crystallized the problem for me, which is that I have lots of health issues. Significant environmental allergies, mild/moderate asthma, acid reflux, a PFO (which is a congenital hole in the atrial wall), and a small intracranial aneurism. It's a lot of small, stupid stuff because I can still work and work out intensely. I manage everything. The OSA diagnosis is just another incurable but treatable thing in my life.

Mesenteria - Yes, I know it deep down. Gotta get the guts to say it. I'll practice the "no STDs, no serial killing, but I got a fabulous little machine to take care of my snoring" line.

Nicholas - Thanks for the swift kick in the seat of the pants. You're not an MD, are you? I needed that precisely because I've done some damage to the brain already.

Lou Cypher - Exactly, it seems like a deal breaker. So totally unsexy. So invasive in bed. I can hardly imagine waking up with someone else in bed and me with the massive FFM on. I'll let you all know how this goes down for me. The divorce is in progress but my friends are already wanting me to meet and date their friends.

[RicaLynn]

Night Warrior, what's the rush? I HATED that I had a couple well-meaning co-workers who wanted to help fix me up before the ink on my decree was even dry!

That said, I'm divorced now 15 years (this month, actually. Huh.) and haven't had a serious relationship since my OSA diagnosis 3.5 years ago. But it's critical to my health that I sleep with my face-hugger, so I have a spare machine complete and ready to go in its carry case. It goes with me any time I think I might be caught away from home; I visit my best friend and her family and often wind up staying over, so the cpap goes with and I still sleep like a baby. I did have occasion to use it on a romantic overnight, and he was well aware before lights out that this would be the case. It's part of me, and you must accept all or nothing, simple as that.

[nicholasjh1]

Nicholas - Thanks for the swift kick in the seat of the pants. You're not an MD, are you? I needed that precisely because I've done some damage to the brain already.

There are good research article's on apnea available online, and that's why I know what I know. For instance severe apnea sufferers can suffer up to 30% brain loss. Studies also show it takes approximately a year for the brain to grow back... Apnea brain damage is all over the place, so it's similar to having the brain of a 90 year old. Fortunately for us compliance can and does let the brain grow back!

No I'm not an MD, in fact often MD's cause the problem because they try to get the patients to comply by implying that their sleep will be better, rather then concentrating on the more complex issues of cell and brain damage as well as the endocrine issues sleep apnea causes because of the metabolic adrenaline rush you get at night during suffocation episodes. The theory for some is that there are such bad sleep problems after CPAP therapy because the night time energy metabolism is kicked up (in fact studies show increased creatine load at night for apnea sufferers implying that the body expects to expend a lot of energy at night. ) So what happens immediately after starting therapy is that you have way to much energy at night... You may have 1 cycle of sleep, wake up 3 hours later feeling ready to go! of course if we actually do get up then we'll be sleepy later in the day, espcially since the body expects to try to conserve energy during the day due to the long time sleep apnea!