A CPAP Family Christmas

[mikemoran]

Anyone know the market price for coal? Seems I am going to be receiving annual shipments since my Christmas Karma spun out of control on some black ice this year. I really was well intentioned but sometimes you are just destined to grab a permanent spot on the naughty side of the list.

It all started when I thought I would give my family a special surprise for Christmas. While they were dreaming of a White Christmas, I was going to give them one. I decided to turn on my Interior Snow Making Machine (my high powered internal house fan previously known as the Whole House CPAP). Yep nothing says yuletide more than hopping out of bed and finding your self ankle deep in the white stuff.

Well just a little after midnight I flipped the switch and spun the sucker up. Then the fan started to whine and all hell broke loose. There was a big whomp, then a big bang in the front yard soon followed by the most horrendous stream of cursing I ever heard. I turned off the fan and headed out the front door to see what had happened. There on my lawn was Santa holding his leg screaming words that would make any sailor blush..

It seems I had turned on the fan just when Santa was about mid chimney, thus converting it into a pneumatic Kringle Cannon. This sent him flying out the chimney and onto the front lawn. Luckily he landed on my inflatable snow globe where the snowman family laid down their lives in the interest of saving Christmas. He was okay at that point, but as my luck would have it he tripped over the extension cord and sprained his ankle.

I was out there trying to calm the big guy down and yelling for my neighbor’s benefit “I see you fell off the wagon again Uncle Fred”. I looked up at my roof and noticed the sleigh and reindeers wondering how I was going to explain those in the morning. Just then an elf yelled down, “Hey buddy, he’s your problem we got deliveries to make.” Well that took care of the sleigh problem but left me with the bigger one.

So while the rest of my world was asleep with visions of Candied Fruits doing the Macarena in their heads, I was spending my night down at the emergency room. I picked the one place where Santa wouldn’t stick out. When I told the admitting nurse his name was Santa Clause, she pointed to the red suited derelicts sitting around in drunken stupor and told me, “We prefer to call then John Does”. Turns out that Kaiser-PermaFrost isn’t a recognized insurance company in the US, but Visa is and it got my “John” moved to the front of the line.

After mortgaging our next three family vacations for X-rays and gold plated tongue depressors it turned out to just be a sprain. A week of bed rest and Santa should be back up to full speed. No problem, it might be fun to have Santa hanging around the house for a few days. The family loved the idea and the wife made up our room for our rotund guest.

At first it was fun watching him blow smoke wreaths around his head. The kids loved his jelly belly shaking and it was pretty amazing at night when he snored to the tune of Christmas carols. The week seemed to fly by and we were ready to send Santa on his way. However, he had taken a liking to the bed side service he was receiving and we couldn’t get S.C. to phone Nome. So one week turned into two and he was working on my nerves as well as the third week when I just about had it.

I am a patient man but can only take so much. I had put up with the mounting milk and cookie bills. My concern about the dangers of second hand wreaths on my family was growing but I hadn’t panicked yet. I could even accept the Pay per View charges for the elf porn. What was causing the back pain for my camel was the snoring. It seems that farther away from Christmas Day it gets, the smaller his snoring repertoire becomes. One more night of the Snoring Demigod doing his rendition of Jingle Bells and I would crack.

So that night, after slipping him some extra rum in his milk, I decided to play DME and hook up Old Saint Nick to my APAP. I know he hadn’t been diagnosed, but the snoring and obesity were a dead give away. Well it worked great and must have given him a lot of energy. The next morning I woke up to another blue streak of profanity from a not so jolly fat man. He was dressed and screaming something about perverts with their masks and how I would be hearing from his lawyer as he steamed out the door.

Not everything turned out too bad. Sure I had to brick up my chimney and even duct tape won’t bring my snowman family back to life, but his elf lawyers aren’t members of my local BAR and it will take them years to get approval to practice in this State. It was well worth the destroyed APAP to get that chain smoking reprobate out of my house. But who else can say they hold the World’s Santa Chunking Record and soon I will have my car converted to coal power.

[Tash]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Mikemoran, for indulging us with your humor! I am glad you shared

[JimH]

My juvenile response:


Elf Porn. I can't stop laughing. The thought of Jingle Balls playing in the background.

thanks Mike for making your "Slowdown" brief.


JimH

[dsg]

Hahahahahahahaha!!!

[neversleeps]

Mike, didn't you warn us you were going to slow down? If this is slowing down, by all means, keep slowing down!!! This one is priceless!!!!!

My favorite snips:

...a pneumatic Kringle Cannon....

...asleep with visions of Candied Fruits doing the Macarena in their heads

...Turns out that Kaiser-PermaFrost isn’t a recognized insurance company in the US, but Visa is and it got my “John” moved to the front of the line.

...and we couldn’t get S.C. to phone Nome.

...Pay per View charges for the elf porn...

...but his elf lawyers aren’t members of my local BAR and it will take them years to get approval to practice in this State.

You have a gift, Mike! A true gift!!!

[WAFlowers]

neversleeps, I couldn't have said it better myself!

[Ric]

Aside from the above mentioned (medical bills, threatened lawsuits, property damage, pain and anguish, loss of sleep, insults, etc.) did you get any PRESENTS?

NO?

I think you have a case. I'd suggest pre-emptory counter-lawsuit. Insist on PRESENTS in the settlement. If he fights back, mention "trespassing".

[rested gal]

Jingle links,
Jingle links,
Mike's back, hip hoorayyyyy!

Oh, what fun
It is to read
A Mike post once a dayyyyy!

[mikemoran]

Ric can I sue for Libel? I mean he was responsible for de-inflation of my characters. I loved those snow men LOL