Alternative AP Therapies (Humor)

Recently there was a post where a tech alleged that the right pressure should reduce mouth breathing. Rather than assume that this highly educated professional might have missed something during their 15 minute orientation video, I like to think they are just progressive and on the bleeding edge of therapy. Unfortunately, as patients we are usually the ones doing the bleeding. So I did some sleep deprived research and found alternative schools of abuse that many of us may not have been aware of.

CNAP Therapy – One researcher from the Herbert Hoover School of Psychopathic Medicine determined that mouth breathing was the major cause of Apnea. He and his fellow Hoover-ites came up with Continuous Negative Airway Pressure (CNAP) therapy. Under this approach, air was vacuumed from the lungs through a nasal interface thus suctioning the mouth closed. In initial practice there were some disastrous effects, (See origins of the “Blue Man Group”), until a machine with Breathe-flex was developed which allowed cyanotic volunteers to actually let some air back into their lungs. Because of the nasal shrinkage caused by this therapy alternative oral devices were explored. Excessive tongue expansion and the resulting “Bull Dog” effect caused this line of research to be abandoned.

CMAP Therapy – Because of their expertise in frustration, the Tantric School of Altered Consciousness was given a grant to increase patient compliance. They decided that CPAP therapy needed to be transcended to another plane. It was there contention that most people failed because they were not in harmony with their machines. Contented Mechanical Appliance Pleasuring (CMAP) therapy was thus born. Their concept was that patients must be trained in specialized breathing so that they did not cause undue strain on their devices. With a happy machine all would be right with the night. What a chakra that their funding was cut by the DME Lobby once their research showed that this would improve the longevity of equipment by ten fold.

NoNAP Therapy – One brilliant researcher postulated that the problem with sleep disorders was sleep. If you took sleep out of the equation not only would snoring go away no one would have a bad night’s sleep. After re-editing some old CIA texts, replacing “sleep deprivation” with “wake acceleration”, and writing a nifty introduction, he soon was publishing a self help book. “NoNAP Therapy – Awake to Your Success”, was a number one best seller until it was found that it only worked for people of Slavic descent with anemia and acute garlic allergies.

CLAP Therapy – In order to re-vitalize sales for the popular “As Seen on TV” Clapper, a medical study was initiated to demonstrate its effectiveness in combating sleep disorders. The concept was Apnea patients do not get adequate rest because they do not become fully awake during episodes. Marrying the device with Kleig lights would cause subjects to become fully awake at the first sound of snoring. While effective, the third degree burns and the resulting “Clapper Wrist Syndrome” outweighed any benefits.

I am still researching CRAP therapy, SLAP therapy, FLAP therapy and a myriad of other AP therapies. Once I have completed my detours on the misinformation highway I will be getting back to you.

ROTFL!!! Love it, Mike!

I'd like to submit YAP therapy for your academic consideration as well: watching the likes of Jerry Springer, Oprah Winfrey, et al on television. YAP therapy puts me to sleep every time, which transitions right into NAP therapy!

You guys just put a smile on my face and brought laughs to the start of my day. Keep it up, please!!!

Regards,

Alisha

NoNAP Therapy – One brilliant researcher postulated that the problem with sleep disorders was sleep. If you took sleep out of the equation not only would snoring go away no one would have a bad night’s sleep.

Hey Mike, this reminds me of the ol' Brother Dave routine where he says that we ought to make everything legal...

that way there wouldn't be any crime.

Steve

This suggests to me an alternative, FLAP therapy. This therapy involves placing medical quality plastic, flexible flaps over all breathing orifices thus allowing airflow out of the lungs but preventing any air in. This quickly stops all snoring as the air is exhausted. The effect is similar to that which occurs if snorkeling when the snorkel tube goes below the water level. The overall effect is similar to the CNAP therapy. Its advantage is the incredibly low price and extremely silent operation as there is no machinery involved.