It's time for some medical levity on the forum!

[Alisha]

February 10, 2007

Embarrassing Medical Exams

These are the Embarrassing kind of mistakes that turns a doctor into a plastic surgeon.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. So I shortly after moved my practice and am now doing Beverly Hills plastic surgery.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, Beverly Hills, CA.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Who is now practicing plastic surgery in Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg who specializes in cosmetic surgery in Los Angeles, CA.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair who is now performing plastic surgery in San Diego, CA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson who is now offering plastic surgery in Dallas, Tx.

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Currently a breast augmentation specialist in Staten Island.

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

This was copied from: http://officespam.chattablogs.com/archives/044899.html

[kavanaugh1950]

these are hysterical, I love it!!!!! pat

[kteague]

Humorous medical bloopers are tops in my books - maybe because of ten years working at a hospital. Thanks for the chuckles.
Kathy

[pedroski]

Classic. No 3 is my favourite! Too many beans!!

Peter

[-SWS]

LOL! Love them all! I'm sure Freud would have a field day with number eight.

[Slinky]

Remind me NEVER to have plastic surgery!!!

[frete50]

Alisha,

Thanks for the Doc humor. Needed a good laugh this morning.

Becky

[SleepingBeauty]

Those were great! Thanks, Alisha. I sent them on to my dad. He loves medical humor.

[krousseau]

The doctor of my childhood was the stereotypical kind, reassuring GP with a great bedside manner. Among his patient's was a young couple trying unsuccessfully to start a family. The doc sent them to what passed for fertillity specialists in that day. No success. Doc continued to see them and reassure them-advising taking weekend vacations to better relax. The woman finally got pregnant. The day she gave birth the husband/new Dad was sitting in Doc's packed waiting room. Doc came out to get a patient and the proud new Dad jumped up-shook his hand enthusiastically and said loudly, "Doctor Mac, I want to thank you for getting my wife pregnant!"

[Wulfman]

A little variety......


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You 're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

_______________________________________________________________________


Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the Mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make One of them stay with him the whole time, so they Voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said,
"Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes
All blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next
Morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched ME all night long."
_______________________________________________________________________

The Golfer and the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
_______________________________________________________________________

During his annual physical exam, an 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of a medical study on aging. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened?

The man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but none of us could get the jar open."
_______________________________________________________________________

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist left.

_______________________________________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,
"it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________________________________________

NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and
leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she
slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses
immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK,
but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and
once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family
arrives to see how the old woman is adjustingto her new home. "So Ma, how
is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies.
"Except they won't let you fart."
____________________________________________________________________

ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down tosleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to
bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of
bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
________________________________________________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who
can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An
elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________________________________________

SUPPER
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_______________________________________________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
_______________________________________________________________________

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur. Be careful.'"
_______________________________________________________________________

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed
nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."
_______________________________________________________________________

John and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled John
out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

"The bad news is, John, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you
saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"

_______________________________________________________________________

[Alisha]

Funny, Wulfman. I especially cackled at the last
one.

Alisha

[Rabid1]

OMG!!! I'm DYING here!!!!!!!!!

These are GREAT!!

[Offerocker]

...you call that "levity", Wulfman???

I was "levitated" to the ROOF!

What a treat those were...Non-stop, LOL laughter here in 17011! (neighbors are gathering outside, quizically wondering.......but then, that's nothing new!) .

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Much needed!
Kathleen

[SleepGuy]

Made my day! SOOO much better than lawyer jokes.

Course there's really no such thing as lawyer jokes....

Lawyers don't think they're funny . . . and everyone else thinks they're true stories.

[pedroski]

Good one Den,

I'm with Alisha, Edna is my favourite!!

Peter