My CPAP Summer Vacation (Humor)

[mikemoran]

Well it was that time of year, our one chance to stretch the filial bond of my family and see how many we could wipe out when it snapped back like a rubber band. Yes, the old family vacation,(or as I like to refer to it “Survivor Without the Cameras and Million Dollars”). Whoever decided to name this a vacation had a sicker sense of humor than me. Lets see, take children who have been off from school and living in anarchy for weeks, parents suffering from the multiple hours of overtime they had to put in order to escape from work, trap them in an enclosed vehicle, transport them to an unfamiliar location and give them the opportunity to entertain said heathens for a week. The only word for it is fun.

Guess you can kind of tell this was an experience that I wasn’t exactly looking forward to. So as I was packing the SUV with the bare necessities, (video games, DVDs, CDs, sodas, junk food, case of Advil and that every important bottle of Rum), I had to dwell on the little things I could look forward to. Carting the dogs off to the kennel I was basking in the idea of night without that horrible snoring rumbling through the house and mornings where I wouldn’t have to get up at 5 to relieve their peanut sized bladders. As I was transporting my wife’s entire closet into the back of the car, I was enjoying the knowledge that she would be washing all of this once we got home, even if she did not wear that ski outfit down in Florida. But the biggest thing I was excited about, was my chance to see how well my Breathe-X worked on the road, (too late for me to get a real life).

So with the kids packed so tightly they barely had room to move their fingers on the X-box controls we headed out. Now you have to understand, giving up my spot in the driver’s seat is akin to my relinquishing the remote, seldom done and usually only after I have almost fallen into a complete coma. But this time was different, because I had a new toy to play with. So after 27 bathroom stops, (I thought the dogs had small bladders), it was finally lunchtime and my chance to play with my new toy.

Wiping the crumbs out of my beard I strapped on my Hybrid, punched on the air and settled back to sleep through my wife’s impression of “The Fast and the Furious”. It worked wonderfully and I was out like a light in minutes, only to be jarred awake by the sounds of a siren and the trill of those roadside speed bumps. What a surprise, State Troopers actually patrolling a road when my wife tries to achieve a new land speed record for a Honda Pilot. As the Smokey is ambling up to the car all I could think about her getting a restful vacation in the local lock up and me having to provide thrills for the children suffocating in our back seat (damn her, why didn’t I think of this first?).


It was either the prospect of not getting to wear that whole new wardrobe compressing the kids or the fear of a communal toilet that caused her to change her mind. All I know is it was sheer brilliance what happened in the next few minutes. Inspired by the look of horror on the Trooper’s face as he took in my land scuba gear, my wife quickly explained to him that I was having respiratory problems and she was rushing me to the nearest emergency room. He couldn’t of sent us on our way faster than if I was actually delivering in the front seat. The rest of the trip down I didn’t get much rest as we kept getting pulled over, but as a travel game it couldn’t be beat. Kids guess how far we get before the next officer says hi. Who knew this thing would be better than a radar detector for cutting a long trip down to size?

After that, I was even smiling as I moved our house into the vacation condo. The sand in our shorts seemed less irritating. The characters in the amusement parks all came up to me to find out where they could get my nifty ventilation equipment. A highlight was when one of the NASA engineers gave me a used spacesuit so I could build a whole body interface.

Everything was cut a little short when a work emergency came up and they needed me to fly back earlier. It was s short enough flight that I didn’t miss my CPAP. My wife insisted I leave with her. Though the son wasn’t too happy that he had to wear it all the way home. It’s the price you pay to cut a fifteen hour trip down to eight. Breathe-X, won’t leave home without it.

[krousseau]

I do hope that you plan to post a photo in your new spiffy whole body interface....

[snoozie_suzy]

Mike,

That was a WELL needed laugh! I had a very crummy day at work, and it felt good to laugh out loud like that. I esp liked the trooper's surprised look at your gear strapped on your face. How you did not smirk as you were fibbing the eternal white lie is beyond me. Maybe I can ditch my radar detector and wear my headgear to work everyday!

Of course we speed pretty bad in Mass, I'd say the avg car is doing 75-80 during the morning commute and the posted speed limit is 55, 60 in given areas.

My dad has been down in Cape Canaveral for 3 years. Its awesome there. I drove down once last year to see the space shuttle practices, and got pulled over doing 63 in a 55 highway!!! The police in the South really nab speeders,esp seeing my Yankee plates I guess.

Thanks for the good laugh. And yes when my older brothers and I were younger, way before SUVs and mini-vans were around, we would squeeze in the back of a Pontiac or Cutlass depending, and my three brothers would be poking me, squirming, slapping each other, reaching across me etc, whining "are we almost there yet" My parents would roll there eyes at each other and groan, "Where are the two of us going on vacation after this?!"

Suzy

[Issac]

Mikemoran, that is by far the best BreatheX review I will ever read!

[mikemoran]

Suzy,

Talk about nightmares there were five of us in a Chevy station wagon. My parents could not be faulted for being a bit frazzled. Our chant was "Are they coming out of the bar yet?" They were firm believers that one hour of doting on your children should be immediately followed by two hours anti-doting at a watering hole. No wonder we never vacationed more than 200 hundred miles from home. Even then it took three days for us to get there.

[Bonnie]

27 times for bathroom breaks? Road trip vacations with my parents and my 4 siblings crammed into a 4 door sedan consisted of my father telling us for 300 miles, "next town" everytime one us pleaded for a potty break. Now as an adult I stop for no reason, just because I can!

Thanks for the laughs, again. I laughed at you (and Liam) first thing this morning and now I laughed at you before I hose up. Good stuff Mike.

[lvehko]

Oh man! Mike, you are one funny guy. Thanks for the laughs!

Min

[cpapjack]

This is pretty funny. I have three young children, and they are actually pretty good to travel with, but I'm sure that'll change as they get older. They are aged 4.5 mos., 2.5 yrs., and 4.5 yrs.

[jessie1]

You had really a nice vacation. I'm happy reading your post.

[ozij]

A spammer selling vacations bumped this - but this one is well worth the bump.

Those of you who weren't around then -- do a search for mikemoran, his humor is priceless.

[rested gal]

A spammer selling vacations bumped this - but this one is well worth the bump.

Those of you who weren't around then -- do a search for mikemoran, his humor is priceless.

Indeed it was!

LINKS to mikemoran humor
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[Buford]

We call those velocity awards, we save them and mount them on the wall next to our diplomas.

I ran out of wall.

When IL changed the law, anything 40+ over became a felony I had to slow down or leave the state.

I moved.

[BlackSpinner]

Potty breaks? Nah I got "I have the throw up mama, Urp" Thank heaven for plastic shopping bags!
By the time we got where we were going I was puking too. No fun in an outhouse.

And dad who gave her Reese's pieces - nobody ever wanted to see one again!

[EO_123]

Cpap. It can save your life in so many ways....

[vipertec]

Mike,Great story !