Bed situation: Older married couples only

My hubby and I have been married for 30 years, and we have two grown children. We have always slept in the same bed together. As the years are going on, we find that we are waking each other up every night for one reason or another. My hubby wakes me up because he is a tosser and turner and loud sleeper (he needs a sleep study, but that's a whole other topic!). I wake him up because the air I'm exhaling from my mask is cold and/or feels like a breeze to him. This is a sample scenario: I turn in my sleep, roll over towards him. Cpap air blows towards my hubby. It wakes him up a bit, he rolls over and/or sighs loudly in his sleep. This wakes me up. I roll over and try to get comfortable. This wakes him up. He tries to get comfortable, can't get right to sleep, lets out a slight grunt. Noise wakes me up, I roll over, end up towards him breathing cpap air on him, which wakes him up, etc. You get the idea.

We have a queen sized bed, but this situation is totally not working and are debating what to do. (I've been wondering about what to do about the bed situation for a couple years now!) We could:

1. Get a pair of extra-long twin beds, and push them together. (Maybe his rolling over won't affect me as much?) (But won't he still be bothered by the exhaling air?)

2. Get a pair of extra-long twin beds, and keep them separate. (This will get our whole family talking, wondering why we are sleeping in separate beds. Of course it's none of their business, but they'll notice this when they come to visit, and most of our family lives in town.) (Also, I'm not sure this will work for me, because my pillow-alignment and the way I sleep tends to take up more width than what is offered in a twin bed. I know that sounds weird, but I use one pillow that I place my leg on top of when I'm on my side, and that pillow would hang off the side of a twin bed and then fall on the floor.)

3. Get a king bed. (I could use the amount of a twin bed plus a little, yet hubby would have room to move further to the other side of the bed to hopefully avoid the exhaling cpap air. Maybe we could get a bed that is known to not transfer motion from one side to the other?)

Has anyone else had this problem? More importantly, has anyone else succesfully dealt with this problem?

Thanks,

All-in-Knots (still love my hubby, just need to get some sleep!)

Get an extra pillow. Place it on edge between your pillow and his. You can turn to any position you want without blowing air on him.

I suppose I qualify as "older," having been married for 25+ years, depending on whether you count the years we were shacked up.

And I'll boldly state that my husband and I now sleep in separate bedrooms ... and that arrangement has dramatically improved the quality of our lives by improving the quality of our sleep.

Just to be clear, we sleep in separate bedrooms. We often spend time awake in the same bedroom.

Yes, the family notices. No, we don't particularly care.

Fwiw.

Pam

Nice to see you again, Allinknots!!!

If you have the room, it might work to get a king size bed. I have a double and I know that I can not sleep with someone else in it. If I could have, I'd have been married 36 years by now

My current solution is to sleep on different floors of the house. I'm super sensitive to all kinds of noises and movements and this is the only thing that works for me.

Bev

My SO and I sleep in seperate rooms also. We both get better quality sleep that way. He moves around quite a bit and talks in his sleep and then there's me wearing my mask that blows air on him, then there's................................ As Pam says we sleep in seperate rooms, but often spend time in the same bed. It works for us.

Rosie

We've been married 51 years and sleep in a king size-bed. Wife uses sleep aids, I use a CPAP (new user and having problems). She complained once about the cold air but thought it was our heating system blowing cold air until the second night and realized the cold air was from my CPAP. The secrete to a long marriage as you certainly know is compromise. If my wife doesn't have a good night's sleep, I have a bad next day. My solution is to sleep turned away from her but then I sleep so lightly that I'm fully aware which way I'm sleeping. I think the extra pillow (between you) is an excellent suggestion. Sleeping in separate bedrooms? On a few occasions when one of was sick, we slept in separate bedrooms and I must say it contributed to good sleep.

LinkC wrote:Get an extra pillow. Place it on edge between your pillow and his. You can turn to any position you want without blowing air on him.

Thanks, LinkC. Sometimes we do put a pillow between us, but then it kind of encroaches on my personal bed space, so I end up kind of sequestered in a certain position and cannot freely move. (Difficult to describe, but I think the pillow between us takes up too much space of the queen size bed--but would probably work if we had a king.)

pmcall57 wrote:Just to be clear, we sleep in separate bedrooms. We often spend time awake in the same bedroom.

Yes, the family notices. No, we don't particularly care.

Pam

Thanks, Pam. Yeah, the last few nights we slept in separate bedrooms. I sleep much better that way. Hubby slept great one night, not so good the other night. But I think we each miss not sleeping together.

OutaSync wrote:Nice to see you again, Allinknots!!!

If you have the room, it might work to get a king size bed. I have a double and I know that I can not sleep with someone else in it. If I could have, I'd have been married 36 years by now

My current solution is to sleep on different floors of the house. I'm super sensitive to all kinds of noises and movements and this is the only thing that works for me.

Bev

Bev, thanks for the welcome back! I'm afraid I'm a foul-weathered friend, because I seem to haunt the board more when I'm having issues. I know what you mean about being super sensitive to noises and movements. Both my hubby and I are that way, and that's probably why we wake each other up! And I am tempted to get a King-sized bed.

How's everything going with you?

rosiefrosie wrote:My SO and I sleep in seperate rooms also. We both get better quality sleep that way. He moves around quite a bit and talks in his sleep and then there's me wearing my mask that blows air on him, then there's................................ As Pam says we sleep in seperate rooms, but often spend time in the same bed. It works for us.

Rosie

Thanks, Rosie. It's great to hear how others deal with the problem. There's a mattress commercial on our local radio, and it begins with the salesman saying that "Due to a health situation, a customer needed to sleep in a separate bedroom from his wife. He returned to our store to purchase the same mattress for the alternate room." etc. I keep thinking, "Just say, 'Due to sleep apnea..'!" We all know it's due to sleep apnea, already, and for those who don't know, might as well educate 'em! lol

dogbone wrote:The secret to a long marriage as you certainly know is compromise. If my wife doesn't have a good night's sleep, I have a bad next day.

Yes, and if that result doesn't happen naturally, we can certainly make sure it will happen! j/k

I'm really tempted to go the King size route, but I'm afraid we'll blow all kinds of money on a fabulous king size bed, and then it won't work for us. Then we'll be back to square one, AND out a couple thousand bucks. Unless we get a bed from a company that accepts returns. hmmmm, thinking on this one...

Judy R wrote:I'm not sure if 25 years of marriage counts, but.... I'm happy to say that since the three years I've been on this therapy we've been sleeping in the same bed. I can understand your fustrations, we went through a similar thing when I got my CPAP set up. What I did was take a hair ribbon that I got at the dime store, and looped it around my hose, than tacked the ribbon to the wall above my head. That way my hose hung above my head and when I rolled over, it kept the exhaled air from blowing in hubby's face. I don't know if that will be of any help to you, but it might be worth a try.

Judy, of course 25 years count! I only put the "older married couples" part in the title to dissuade younger people from chiming in who might view the separate-bed thing (even if it's for sleeping only!) unthinkable!

I'm trying to understand the logistics of the hair ribbon placement, and I think it accomplishes the same thing as my current set-up. My hubby made me a set up using a swinging plant hook (read about that suggestion on this FANTASTIC FORUM!!) attached to the back of the headboard, and my hose is hooked up to that. It does keep my hose up and out of the way. But when I lay on my side (Swift LT nasal pillow mask), my nose is facing either his face or the back of his neck. Obviously, when I roll over the other way, that isn't a problem--but I don't feel comfortable sleeping in only one position at night, so I find I spend part of the time on my back, and some on each side--which causes the cold air to hit my hubby part of the night. Does your mask have exhale ports near your nostrils, like mine has?

Thanks for all your responses! Please keep the suggestions coming!

All in Knots

Two twins is pretty close to a king size and probably cheaper. Pushed together and clamped plus with a king size mattress cover , it works pretty good. It will also let you put a bolster between you two to deflect air.. Instead of a pillow try a foam triangular shape which won't flaten and steal space. With a pretty cover it becomes a decorator item.

I drove my wife nuts for years with my snoring and then we decided I would "sleep" in one of the other Bedrooms -
Recently I started CPAP - and there is no way I would subject her to the machine sound and the breathing (like Darth Vader) sound - so, we continue with separate BR's and that certainly does not interfere with the "cuddling" times when we are awake...(we have been married more than 30 years)....This certainly contributes to good sleep for both of us and refreshes us for the other good things in life

We bought a king size latex foam set 3 yrs ago best thing we did. I did feel the exhaust from her mask b4 but just threw the cover over my head. my mask to date has not bothered her. Either one of us can get up without disturbing the other. Before I got treatment mt snoring was an issue and the fix was a diagnosis of osa and a cpap. All is good now been sleeping together for 40 yrs don't plan to stop now!

Married 53 years in March, we like sleeping together, in a queen size bed. If I am facing my husband, (I'm the one with the mask), he just adjusts the covers so the air is not blowing directly on him. We don't want to sleep apart, even if only a hand is touching each other or a foot, we like to know that we are together, wouldn't have it any other way. Our motto is, "it's not a perfect world" and make adjustments accordingly.

You might consider the Headrest mask. The exhaust goes over your head, not at the person beside you.

There are lots of links to ways to deconstruct the headgear of that mask if you prefer to do so.

Catnapper - Joanie

When I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, almost 20 years ago, my husband and I went to twin beds (not pushed together) in the same room.

He is a VERY restless sleeper but no symptoms of sleep apnea. He likes very few blankets and I feel the cold. He likes a VERY firm bed. I need a little give with the RA. The situation did not work well when I got RA so we got rid of our king sized bed and each got the bed that gives each of us the best sleep.

I was diagnosed with sleep apnea just over 7 years ago. If not for the RA, I expect that cpap would have meant separate beds for us then, but we had already taken that step.

With the twin beds, we both get good sleep, me with the help of my cpap. He can move as much as he wants, have as few blankets as he wants, and not be concerned that he aggravates my arthritis.

Getting a good night's sleep means that we both feel much better the rest of the day and have energy for lots of other things.

Anyone who sees our bedroom can think what they like! We don't care! We are happy and sleep well!

We don't qualify for the honor of being an older married couple, but we have a rich history of working to get the right bed!

Bliss was finally found with two extra wide, extra long twins. We bought Tempurpedic adjustable beds September 2002 . I can bounce all over the place and he doesn't feel a thing. He is really tall so the length won him over. I like to tilt the head of my bed up just a bit for additional apnea support which results in lower numbers for me. The mattresses are still like new after over 7 years!

Anyway, we have an apartment in Arizona where it is warmer than the Pacific Northwest, so we went with a cooler mattress than the Tempurpedic; we went with a Talatech latex mattress and bought it from the same company as our Tempurpedic. All the stuff that is a chemical allergen in latex is extracted in the processing of Talatech latex. It is 100% hypoallergenic, and from the day it was new I had no allergy issues with it. Also, very important is that no chemically toxic flame retardant is used on the mattress cover: organic non-toxic products are used for retardant instead.

Let me know if you're interested and I'll give you the company's website/phone number. They have the best prices around and have treated us very well!!

PS, my hubby puts a pillow between our heads, kind of standing up on it's edge to eliminate the exhaust air. Works like a dream : )